We Reap What We Sow

IMG_20150605_195008It’s the Autumn Equinox, also known as Mabon. The wheel of the year has turned, there’s a chill in the air in the mornings and evenings. In my garden the apples are falling, the cob nuts are out and the blackberries ripe.

My herb patch is, for my first attempt, looking great. I have an abundance of lemon balm and lemon geranium, the fennel grew strong and tall, my she-shed is full of jars and things drying and steeping. I love my little shed, my space where I’ve discovered I can just get lost in the act of stripping off leaves, labelling jars, tying up and hanging the herbs, or just smelling and holding them and letting them talk to me.

Mabon is always a time when I review my year by looking at my crops. What seeds of my dreams did I sow this time last year, or prior to that? What intentions did I set? What have I grown, what did I reap? Did I plant anything that when it came to flower I wasn’t so keen on it? What didn’t grow – had I neglected it? Did I grow and harvest something that was absolutely right for this year, but I have no further need for it.

I look at how I am doing against my goals and dreams, and I look at the things that happened in the past 12 months – the emotions, situations and opportunities that came up. I revisit my goals, dreams and intentions to see if I want to re-affirm them or if things in me have changed so much that I want something different. And I give thanks for all that has been harvested and all I have been provided with.
rainbow potsSo on reviewing this past 12 months what was it that I reaped from what I sowed? Oh that’s right, a cancer diagnosis. I’ve experienced extremes of emotions, the paralysing, absolute fear of finding out that investigations had revealed multiple liver metastases. The high of finding out that it was actually a rare cancer, and one that meant I wouldn’t be off back home to the spirit world anytime soon – but then becoming so ill, and being in so much pain that I needed hospital admissions, weeks of antibiotics and opiate pain relief.

The doctors scratched their heads over my presentation – sure, they had my diagnosis of NET Cancer but I wasn’t how they expected me to be, even with treatment I became so poorly that I needed emergency admission. That was so frightening – if the NET specialist couldn’t explain my symptoms then who could? I was confused and unsure about the future and completely out of control of what was happening to me.
Did I actually manifest those dreadful experiences? Well I can’t have it both ways, I can’t say “hey look how good I am at manifesting the campervan, the relationship, the house” while ignoring the fact that I had manifested an illness, a dis-ease and a whole bunch of unpleasant experiences. What was THAT about?
A year ago I had just moved in with my partner, found a new job, had started what was meant to be a much less stressful life – all things that I had asked for. But when I got my diagnosis, in a snap second the rest of my life changed. At the time I yelled at the universe about how unfair it was to have given me all that, and then just take it away again. It called into question everything I believed in.

if-plan-a-didnt-work-the-alphabet-has-25-more-letters-stay-coolManifesting is a moveable feast. It’s not a fixed path, it’s not a case of going from A to B, A being the wish or intention and B being the goal. It’s more like the goal is Z and to get there you have to visit all sorts of letters in between. Some of those places will be exactly what you have asked for, and some won’t be so great – on the face of it – but will turn out to reveal hidden blessings and be exactly what you need.

I’ve found that by using the experiences wisely, allowing those shadow emotions that come up, the unworthiness, guilt, fear, doubt – whatever they are – and learn ways to heal those feelings and clear my energy of them, I am free to continue my journey to get to my goal. If I had chosen to avoid or ignore them, I may have been on a merry-go-round where I may never get to my goal.

Why did I manifest cancer? I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out. I’ve certainly stored anger, frustration, hurt through not being able to speak out when people hurt me or behaved in certain ways towards me, and that may have manifested as dis-ease in my body.

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I believe that this past 12 months has given me so many different situations where I was able to connect with those emotions that no longer served me, kept my energy on a lower vibration, things that were maybe buried, hidden – we are so good at not seeing what we don’t want to see – and things that would limit the life I had asked to live. Without clearing that, I was never going to manifest the life I had asked to live as the inner saboteur, the self-limiting beliefs and my resulting vibration was going to restrict that. So a series of events that were the most difficult I’ve ever faced, were actually a blessing and helped me to clear some deeply negative stuff.

And in doing that, I’m doing my part in healing the dis-ease in my body. After starting treatment, and getting well again I was rescanned and my tumours had shrunk “significantly” – unexpected by my Consultant to the degree they had because the only treatment I had had was to control my symptoms and some antibiotics. Down to my treatment, down to me, down to both? Who knows? But the way I see it is that anything I can do on a metaphysical front gives me the control I wouldn’t have if I was purely in the hands of the medics.

Or could it also be that by having cancer I get the very things that I had been asking for? For example, I had the summer in Cornwall I had always wanted as I wasn’t at work, I’ve had a really good rest, I’ve been able to take a step back from all responsibility and really, properly review my life and the things in it to see what is important and what isn’t? What if the friendship group I asked to manifest when I moved here comes from the very lovely cancer support group I’ve joined? Hidden blessingAnd what if cancer was always going to be on my life pathway, but through learning to live with it – which is what I am going to have to do – I find the best parts of me because I now have time to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t as I worked. I always thought I’d love to have time to be able to bake cakes … I’ve discovered it doesn’t really float my boat, but growing herbs has and surprisingly I’ve discovered I love walking. I’ve had loads of quality time with my partner, not just time here and there around other commitments – we’ve spent every day together and are still not sick of each others’ company. That bodes well for the retirement years! My daughter has her mum, properly, not the distracted single mum who was so busy working and providing for her, running the home and just generally exhausted.  The times to laugh together and do fun things are no longer snatched between all the other plates I was juggling.  I am properly embracing living in the moment and making the most of every day.

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What I do know is that shortly after the point the Consultant said those terrifying words “there’s no easy way to say this”, I decided that this was not how my story was going to end, and that I would put my trust in the universe and where my path had taken me. It took me to some of the darkest places I’ve ever known, but from there it just got better and better. Right now I’m feeling the fittest, healthiest and happiest I’ve felt for a very long time. How can any of that be a bad thing?

Overall, I think this year’s harvest is pretty damn good.

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“We read to know we are not alone” – CS Lewis

So here it is, my very first blog post. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’ll learn as I go along, I’m sure. I was looking for inspiration for a catchy header to start me off and found the quote “The first draft of anything is shit” (Ernest Hemingway). Feeling reassured by that I decided just to leap in with something from the heart and straight onto screen. And then I saw the CS Lewis quote and there it was. The reason for starting this. If it’s just one person I help or inspire from my blog, one person who feels less alone or scared because of what I’ve written then it will be worth it.
I’ll be sharing the goings-on and my approach to life, what works for me and what doesn’t. What inspires me, what helps me, my musings. I was diagnosed with neuro-endocrine cancer in the small bowel, with metastatic liver tumours in January 2015. I’ve had it 20 years, so I’m figuring that the only difference is that I’m now getting treatment. It is certainly a type of cancer that needs its profile raised so I’ll be aiming to do that. It’s rare, most healthcare professionals will not have come across it, it is easily misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all because symptoms don’t present themselves until it is more advanced.
I’ve been called the manifesting queen by friends and have changed myself, and therefore the life I attracted, beyond recognition over the past 10 years or so. I am living my dreams. My beliefs were tested to the limit when I got ill this year, yet I continue to live what I feel is an abundant and happy life, and honestly (mostly!) see my diagnosis as a positive thing. I don’t have all the answers, but I would love to share what works for me and what new things I discover so that someone else can do what I have done, and that is, put simply, followed my dreams.
So here goes …